All the thoughts!!

Been thinking about relationships and break ups again. 

Has anyone ever thought about how easy it is for the person who ended things to move on?

They knew it was coming, while the other person had no idea.

They knew that the feelings they once had, have now stopped and have started to move on.

The other person thinks things were fine and now spends a lot of their time wondering about why the other person stopped having their feelings. And thinking about if there were any signs or subtle hints that could have alerted them to the fact that their partner was slowly leaving them.

And then you have to deal with whether or not you're going to be friends afterwards. And if you are, how does that work? If you still have feelings for them, even if you don't, how friendly are you with them? If things ended okay between both of you, how do you know when friendly is friendly or when it's trying to tell you something else? How do you know if the friendly s actually flirting, or have you just been hoping that the friendly is flirting and things are going to go back to how they were?

What if you do the unthinkable and mistake the friendly for flirting and say something about it? And then you have that awkward conversation where you have to talk about how much you care about each other but they still feel that splitting up was the best things, and it feels like you broke up all over again.

Jesus, there's a lot in my brain

My face has never been so wet

Last night I had the mother of all crying fits. I was trying to get to sleep around 3am and I'd stuck my headphones on because I just wasn't drifting off. 

Then all of a sudden, I decided that I didn't want to be a teacher anymore. I sat up, I took a deep breath and then FUCK! I started crying, and crying, and then a little more. Til I could barely breath.

I jumped onto my laptop and spoke to my brother, all the while I was reenacting the scene from Alice in Wonderland where she floods the place with tears. I admitted to my brother and myself that I wasn't sure if I was going to be a good teacher, and better yet, I didn't know if I was able to finish my final year.

CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY - for a good bloody hour too.

And I couldn't stop at all. My brother talked me to a little bit, convinced me not to make any decisions that I'd regret in the morning and to try and get some sleep. I climbed into bed, sent an email to my lecturer telling her I need a chat and tried to sleep.

Even when lying down and trying to sleep, I still bloody cried. 6am and I finally dozed off. 

Spoke to my mother today and told her what I was feeling. Realised that I might just be panicking about my final year and all the fun stuff that comes with it. Still gonna have that chat with my tutor 

Remember that time when...

Remember that time when it snowed really bad a couple of weeks before Christmas? And we got let out of school early because we lived in the middle of nowhere and the staff were worried we wouldn't be able to get home? Then you rang your mum to say you were driving back and she told you that there was no way you'd make up the mountain in your little car, because he big car barely made it. So you drove our friends home after being told you had to get their parents permission to be in the car. Then we drove back to my house, and you stayed with me for 5 days or so. 

And the snow was brand new and no one had mushed it all up yet.

And we tried to build a snowman.

And I fell over because I was wearing those weird plastic shoes my mum had.

And we drank tea and then went outside.

And it was magical?

I remember that time. I remember how it was a brilliant week, it was bloody freezing but that just meant that we hugged more

That time when #1

That time before we were going out and we were in the play park with all our friends. 

I was playing on the swing and decided to jump off, landed in a big heap on the floor giggling and you were the one who came to see if I as okay. You ran to the shop to get some sticky plasters for my knee and all I could do was giggle because I kept picturing me falling in slow motion and how funny it must have looked to everyone else. Then I smiled a lot because you helped me. 

You even bought wet wipes to clean my hands and knees to get the dirt out of them, then you let me lean on you so I could stand up.

That time when...

Autumn time sadness

After 3 years and 4 months, I broke up with my boyfriend. When I say I broke up with him, I mean we broke up. I'm still not sure who did the breaking but it broke. Anyway, I was fine when it happened, cried a little, but  kinda saw it coming so I wasn't too bad. Now however, I get sad at the drop of a hat. 

By the way, this isn't supposed to be a 'poor me, listen to what makes me sad' post so you can read on without being sick or wanting to hit me.

I didn't realise quite how much of my life I had connected to my relationship, there has been so much in fact, that I regularly get slapped by small things in my day to day tedium that make me go 'oh yeah, i used to have a boyfriend'. For example, the password for my phone was the date we started seeing each other - i failed to notice this until today (its has been changed), I also didn't notice how much I talk about him - almost every conversation I have involves me connecting what we're talking about to him and every other song that I hear makes me think of a time when we sang it in his car or when we sent it to each other just to say it was really good. 

But that stops now! Now I am strong independent black woman! (this is a joke)

Now I can do what I like, when I like. I don't need to worry about not talking for 2 days in case someone gets angry because I don't have to talk to him! We're trying the 'let's be friends' thing at the minute and I do find it odd not talking every day, because quite simply he was my best friend. But it's too goddamn weird to talk to him about having a bad day because the way he used to fix it was to be a complete twat with me and make me laugh -  that just doesn't work these days. 

I'm not sure why it's taken over a week for me to start to feel sad and to notice all the things in my life that are linked to the relationship and everything that's going to have to change, but it sure is horrible. God knows what'll happen next, but I hope it isn't as confusing as all this!

Men are nuts, woman are crazy.